oh man oh man oh man

In a perfect world there are butterflies and flowers! In a perfect world our kids would play and let us relax when we needed. In a perfect world everyone would have someone to spend the rest of their life with and all of their emotions for each other were exactly the same and both of the peoples needs were met and everyone was happy. In a perfect world everyone loves God and believes in God and follows his will and Commandments, there would be no deaths, no sins, no poor, no sadness, no tears. In a perfect world, we would walk on streets of gold and bounce around on fluffy clouds. Do you know what this perfect world is that I'm speaking of? Well not all of it, but most of it. Heaven! If you want to see perfection one day, then get right with God and you will see the perfection in life that you've always wanted to see. On earth you face struggles you think you will never overcome. You know what? You will overcome it. The feeling will go away someday. The pain will end. Whether you want it to or not, it will. God can save you from everything you've ever faced. There will be trials, but you just gotta suck it up and be tough. I've went my whole entire life with people thinking I'm tough, I don't cry... but I do, probly more than most people think. You know what, I've probably had the worst adult life of anyone ever! Yea ok probably not, but I've made bad choices and I've dealt with them, I didn't want to suck it up, I wanted to drown myself in pity, and I did for a while. But you know what.... there's no need in living life begging for pity, whether it be from yourself or someone else! That's why peoples lives are so messed up. you know what I live by myself with G and I'm bored all the time, so I never stay home because I hate being home alone! Who cares, you only live once, go do something. Although I feel I'm missing out on a lot of G's childhood because we are ALWAYS on the go now. We always find somewhere to go. I should stay home and enjoy this time I get to have with her. I just feel so wore out these days and there's no reason I should. I haven't stayed up late, I haven't got up too too early. I've actually been getting quite a bit of sleep, i think I'm just emotionally drained maybe? You know what? I'm getting better. I've reached a part of the obstacle that pushed me over the edge instead of back down the mountain. I'm satisfied with life right now and when the right man comes along then so be it, but I'm not going to go looking around for one. I think in order to be happy in a marriage, a person first must be happy with themselves. I think since my first marriage I've just been so pushed down and bogged down and I haven't been happy with myself at all since then. I think I've come to a point in my life I've realized that being happy is the only way a person can be successful in life. I will never be rich, i wish i was but that will never happen. I dont care about money, money doesn't make you happy! God and family and friends are the three things that can keep you happy in life! That's it. You may think money makes you happy, and maybe it does, but if you had money but no God and no friends and no family then what do you have? a nice house, a boat and a 4wheeler? well who you gonna go fish with? Who you gonna talk to when you feel that you have nothing left? no one. you have no God to talk to, no friend to talk to or no family. I am rich in love! I am loved by so many people! I have so many friends and family that I am so thankful for and if it wasn't for them, I probably would've given up a long time ago! I would've still been stuck in a life with a lying cheating husband (first one), who choke slams me when he doesn't get his way! There are some things that I hate about my past, but oh well. The past is the past, push on! MOVE ON! If you don't move, no one is going to move you! "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." If you don't wanna grow you will be stuck right where you are the rest of your life! God has blessed us with such an amazing life and if you dont want to take advantage of it then dont, but one day wyou will wake up at the gates of heaven and youll think man? how'd i get here? Life goes by before you know it. I'm 27! howd that happen? I can remember when my parents were 30! and they were old! Now they're over 50! now they're REALLY OLD! hahahahah! You never know when you're going to run off the road and die, or when someone is going to run into you and life is over. Just like that. It happens everyday in a flash. No one expects it. But you know what, you can live free if you have God. You don't have to worry about when you're going to die, because you can live forever in heaven if you know God! Life doesn't have to end. I've had so many disappointments in my life. I should give up right? I don't think so. Did God say give up? 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persectuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed. What if God had given up on us? What if we couldn't look forward to an eternal life? What would we have to look forward to? We would have nothing..... I don't really get it. You know heaven is something that is hard to grasp... it really is and i've wrote a past blog on this, so i won't go into it. But God is there and he'll always be there. God was on the throne before the US started going downhill and hes still on the Throne! It's the people that are allowing the devil to takeover! God is in control and he knows what's going on... we don't. If you live by God's word everyday, you have nothing to worry about! Just raise your children the way they should be raised! Don't show them your weakness, be strong for those guys! They are the future! Take them to church, let them learn about God because one day they will have to do it on their own! I have sheltered myself and daughter from things, because I've been afraid of running into people, you know what, I shouldn't stop doing things just because I'm scared! God has a plan! God will protect us! I pray every night that God will protect us from evil! And usually there is one particular evil that i am speaking of! And you know what 4 1/2 years later... we're still protected from him (or it). God is there. He's real. He's the only One who has kept me and my daughter away from EVIL BEING! He has a wall around us to protect us from him!!! I've sinned, I've failed, I've done everything wrong, but God will not let down my Gracie! He will protect her! I believe that God will protect her for me! Ok I probably lost some of you there with the EVIL. Evil = her father... in my book. Anyways. that's all on that rant! I've been trying to write a blog for weeks now but everytime G went to bed I'd get tired and just wanna sleep, but I'd have all these thoughts running through my head! There are so many more things I want to share, but I cant. Some things are private and I'd rathers not ruin anyone else's day or life, so ill keep that to myself. I have to say in my book, men are pigs!!!! not hogs, they don't even deserve that title..... little sissy pigs. hahahah! ok I'm sure there are just as many women who are that way too... haha! I may be one of them! LOL! My head has been going crazy! Lately I've felt like oh my gosh I need some attention (so make sure you let me know what you think of my blog... haha)! I really don't but sometimes it gets lonely..... pooooooooor me! haha not really! UPDATE!!!!! So my masters, i haven't complained about that in a while! I have 1 week left of this class... and then my capstone! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???? I'M GOING TO BE DONE!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. Praise the Lord! The devil tried to get me down but it didn't work! Sucker!!!! I really can't believe I'm done! Except my capstone and I've heard its the worst part of it all... but oh well! Hopefully this week is my last Wednesday/Sunday whiny day week... haha. My mind is overflowing with information right now by the way. I'm just so excited about some things and so anxious for things and just so brainy. My brain won't quit thinking. It's crazy! Goodness gracious! I should stop though before I rant any longer and this becomes boring....... that would be terrible. You know let me tell you something else i heard the other day.... Have you ever heard of an Askhole? It's someone who asks for advice but doesn't take it! Really if you don't want to hear peoples advice don't ask! Some people I've got tired of giving advice because it will have no influence on their decision whatsoever! Its ridiculous! Gotta add this too! I have a HUGE secret about someone! A friend.... And I CAN'T TELL! I'M DYING TO TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh yea by the way she told me to put that... hahaha jk! But I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I CAN TELL THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

once upon a time........

Once upon a time, there was a perfect world. Oh wait.... no there wasnt. ha who am i kidding? Ok I'm going to avoid the ranting.......... and go straight to something else.. So apparently some people do not know about the divorce... because I've had 2 people at work say something to me about D... and it's so awkward... i just shake my head and say uh huh uh huh uh huh... lol! So you know like a couple months ago i was miserable and crybabyish and feeling sorry for myself and all that good stuff.. but now i'm fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! Not really but i am. Me and Dustin are still friends and I'm very thankful for that. I can still talk to him anytime I need to and I think I've come to realize that the things that weren't working for us, never would work for us..... Maybe in 13 years I can marry him again.... lol. Although that's a long time to be alone. After thinking about some things I've realized there were even more things that weren't right in our relationship... but it's too late to fix them now right.... AAAANNNNYYYYYWWWWWWAAAAAYYYYYYSSSS I was talking to a friend about this and she told me one thing that I wish i would've looked for before my very first marriage.... she told me something that really meant a lot to me.. of course this isn't always true because apparently some men just don't show as much emotion... buuuut she told me that one day there would be a man who "worshipped the ground I walked on".... and you know what I think she's right. Someone out there needs me... whether it be dustin in 13 years or someone else...... This is kind of corny and dumb.... but for real.... I've noticed myself being "too needy" several times in my life..... you know what it's ok to be alone because i'm free to do whatever i please... but one day someone will just love everything about me and make me feel like i'm the greatest thing that ever walked the earth... I will not be looking for love.... because i know it will come to me... and if it doesn't i guess oh well... at least i have friends...... Let me tell you something sad though... This year I don't like Christmas...... I haven't been in the christmas spirit. The main thing I want to do this christmas is to make someone else's christmas...... and make someone else happy... Because i'm not the only person spending christmas alone. I'm not the only single parent alone with their child just watching how happy their child is on christmas morning! I'm sure there are many stories worse than just being alone. And at least I get to see how happy G is..... and make her happy... that's worth quite a bit... i'm sure some kids don't even get to open christmas presents. okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk anyways................ there i go being a crybaby again... but im done now.

Have you heard???

Have you heard the rumor? HAHAHAHAHHAHA! RUMOR say that out loud... that's a really funny word! About as funny as the people who start them. I've always been told to not care what people are going to say but my goody goody gumdrop keep your mouth shut. If you're going to start a rumor please let it be about someone else other than a person that I haven't seen in 4 YEARS!! And possibly someone I might be interested in..... hahahahahah. i'd rathers not hear about myself being with a psychopath or a pathological liar. But just so you know, nothing like that happened....... thanks for that though..... i enjoyed it. Soooooooooooooooooooo WE HAVE NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! WHY????????????? I was so excited to leave G at my moms and get a peaceful drive to school where I could sing super loud and bust my ear drums and then get out about 11:00 to go home...... Ah well...... Week 6 of this class! and I'd rathers write a blog than do my homework that's due tonight! haha. But guess what?!!! 2 more weeks of this then I get off for break and start back in January for One class! then Capstone and DDDDDDDOOOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEEE!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Here's My Secret

Are you ready? This is something you'll never expect. Ok.... Me and Dustin are no longer together. Yea weird, stupid, dumb, whatever you wanna say.... Talk about me now please...... Here's the truth: we're still friends and he's a GREAT guy! I still love him and I always will..... But apparently we are just two people who don't belong together... i guess? So I'm confessing this now so when you see it in the newspaper one of these days, you won't say "what happened" here's what happened....... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.... understand? hahahaha! just kidding. but really... that's something that shouldn't go public and if i've told you or if dustin has told you, then it's your business.... but don't be offended if you ask me and i tell you it doesn't matter... So now for the sympathy part.... I've been living by myself for 2 months.... it sucks, i'm lonely and yes i'm at my parents house all the time, so go ahead and judge me on that too.... but i'm bored, all the time. I hate to be on a break, I love to be at work because it keeps my mind off of things and i stay busy... at home i have nothing to do and when i get bored i get sad.... so i stay where people are all the time, so i don't start thinking about stuff...... Anyways........ that's the story.. don't ask any questions please, because seriously one time someone asked me about it and i started bawling.... do you wanna see me cry? If you don't then you better not ask me.... I mean really I'm ok... but at the same time I'm not.... The only reason i posted this is because I didn't want anyone asking when they seen it in the paper... and the second reason is because when you ask me about dustin and I don't know the answer... i can't lie about it anymore. So there's the news.... great huh.... no not really. Let me tell you what sucks. It sucks that when you're 16 you plan out your entire life.... getting married, having 3 kids and being married for the next 80 years..... and raising your children together.... then life smacks you in the face and you've been divorced twice and once again your raising your child on your own..... That's what sucks. but i guess God has a plan for everyone... although it's hard to look at it that way sometime.... it's the truth. And it's something that has to be accepted. Ok anyways I have nothing else to say... I should do my homework now... hey it's been a while since i told you I HATE SCHOOL!!!! NEVER GET YOUR MASTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! But hey listen to this.... After this class, i have ONE CLASS LEFT!!!!! and then my capstone and IM DONE!!!!!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the homework is getting harder and harder for me to do.... stress with life plus i just dont have a want to do it! but you know what.... I WILL!!!!!!!!!! Because once upon a time someone said I would never finish with my bachelors degree and you know what i did! When people say I won't do something.... I HAVE TO DO IT! People will not determind my life..... that is my choice..... alright... I hope everyone has a good thanksgiving....

holy cowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Well can you beleive it's been that long since i've wrote a blog post? I've been thinking lately that I needed to write one, but not until I had the right words to say. I've had so many negative words I would've wrote if I would've wrote any sort of blog post in the past 3 months. The past three months have been the longest three months of my life! Well actually now that I look back, it's went by really fast! I forgot that school started 3 months ago! Can you beleive we've been in school for 3 months? not me! and its almost thanksgiving and almost christmas and i had a birthday and I'm 27! that means i'm practically 30 which means i'm practically 100 which means IM AN OLD LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my gosh really? before you know it i'll be dead... haha! Well I decided I'm not sharing any news in this blog post.... because i don't have time. I can't beleive my baby is going to be 5 in 2 weeks..... that's just insane because yesterday I was at the hospital holding my newborn.... :( boo hoo! boo hoo! ok i guess maybe i will come back later and type the important information, just don't have time right now!!!!!!!!!! have a lovely freezing cold day!

It may be a rant day!

hello bloggy, nice to see you, its been a looooooooooooooooong time... you're just as lovely as you used to be!!!! haha! that was fun. so today i feel like ranting! so you can call me a ranter! FIRST OF ALL! TO THE LITTLE GIRL WHO STUCK HER TONGUE OUT AT ME TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR LUCKY I DIDNT RUN OVER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahah. just kidding but let me tell you about this... so today i stopped in the road to let two little girls cross the road on their bikes, oh how nice of me RIGHT???? yea that was nice!!!!!!! i'm soooooooooooooooo nice...... then one little girl proceeds to ride her bike across, stops in the middle of the road and sticks her tongue out at me!!!!!!! talk about maaaaad!!!! hahahaha. the bad thing is G seen it... and shes been doing that lately and i whoop her for it so now she probably thinks its ok because the litle girl in the road did it to a complete stranger! Even though we talked about it and she said she was going to stop doing that. but anyways after i thought about it, i told my mom i should've just stuck my tongue back out at her!!! HAHAHAHA NOW THAT WOULDA BEEN FUNNY!!!! but really. if you're kid doesn't respect someone they don't even know, then i'm sure they don't respect their parents. but then again she is just a kid and they do stuff like that. but my gosh it didn't make me happy!!!! Next on my list..............i get so sick of judgemental people! You know what who cares what my hair looks like and who cares what i'm wearing...... i'm still the same person! i dont like to fix my hair and i like to wear comfy clothes! shorts and a tshirt and I LIKE IT AND ITS COMFY SO QUIT STARING AT ME!!!!!!!!! haha ok that was fun. i was yelling in my mind. This happens at school it happens at walmart. I know that its peoples nature to judge but seriously stop. i'm sure i do the same thing but i dont stare. i dont like to dress up, when i do dress up then people still stare and wonder why i'm dressed up but then i feel paranoid cuz what if my boobs are hanging out?? hahahahahah! what if my fat roll slipped out the side? ok i think i'm done now!!!! Enjoy :)

im backkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Well it's been so long.... and i'm supposed to be doing homework but id rathers type like crazy instead of all neat sophisticated typing!!!!!! So let me tell you about my masters...... since the last time i mentioned anything about it i was going to quit! haha. Well that class that was so terrible that the instructor gave me 2 F's.. I actually got really close to getting an A in the class... buuuuut i didn't... anyways that's the class that made me want to quit and i think it was just the instructor she didnt like me or something because in the last class i took i got a 99.7 in the class..... almost a perfect grade! and in the class im in now i'm making a perfect grade almost at week 4... soooo yea. i'm happy now! After this class, I will have 2 classes in the fall and then 2 classes in the spring and IMMMMMMMMMMMMM DOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! can you beleive that????????? can you? can you? can you? I CANT! but i dont know what possessed me to want to go back to school anyways because i really can't stand it. I need a break and every wednesday and sunday night i find myself at this computer griping about having to do it when it was my choice to do it in the first place.... ohhhhhhhh but one day ill be a millionaire because i'll have my own school that will be a famous school...... and ill be famous and thats all... ok probly not but still. we can all dream. Speaking of dreams.... you know what i dream about all the time and i absolutly HATE DREAMING ABOUT IT???? (has nothing to do with my retainer or my ex).. BASKETBALL! It makes me so mad when i wake up and realize ohhh yea that's over and i can never play like that again!!!!!!! WHen I woke up this morning, they were just about to announce my name.... and i awaken... yea sucks. then i wake up all sad. i dream about it all the time though.i wish i still played basketball or softball... thats the only 2 reasons why i miss high school. So I was watching super nanny the other night and you know what? she said the f word!!!! i actually rewinded it and then pushed record so i could show d that she did that! she said it to the kid! that's even worse... she said "and stop this f-ing around!" I was like ohhhhhh my gosh! well its weird that i have a lot to talk about and then i start typing and then it all disappears. well i have to tell you i went to a workshop last week in OKC......it was pretty amazing. You know how school is these days? Pre-K is teaching Kindergarten stuff... and they are expected to know so much before they go to kindergarten... but you know what... 4 year olds really aren't ready for all the stuff we do in pre-k! they can do it sure... but they aren't ready for it. we need to be building on other things such as fine motor, gross motor, hand eye coordination..... ya know... the basic simple stuff...... we are cramming stuff in them so hard that they are expected to learn wayyyyyyyyyyy to much! but we have to teach it to them because if we don't then we fail because they aren' ready for kindergarten..... it's kinda a lose-lose situation becuase some states are even losing all their recess..... and that's just crazy! that is why there are so many children being diagnosed with ADD/ADHD these days..... Not only did this workshop help me, but getting my masters, i did a research simulation about Play in Early Childhood... and my research question was "Does the amount of playtime a child gets in a day affect that child’s behavior or learning capabilities during circle time or learning time?" This is something I stand very strongly behind because in the class before this one I done a lot of research about why play is important and there were so many reasons why we shouldn't eliminate play.... but I feel that is what it is coming to..... and it's very sad becuase we are robbing kids of their childhood. that's what kids are supposed to do is play.... and we are taking the only thing they know away from them! For instance.... Even as adults... we work work work, sometimes we need our "play" time or our "me" time. Can you imagine how much play time children need if adults need that much. we're forcing them to sit in chairs... when they should be up and moving! If they aren't at school, they come home and sit in the chair and play nintendo games.... not good.... anyways off that soapbox... I'm ready to be done with school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know what I love? SQUASH!!!!!!! I have squash plants and they finally started making me some squash and now i have too much. I also have tomato plants that i wish would hurry up and make me some tomatoes because I LOVE TOMATOES!!!!!!!! I could live on tomatoes! Let me tell you something funny..... last week for our blog assignment.... (note: this class is about culture and diversity) we had to pretend that something happened in the US and the survivors had to be moved to a country that we knew nothing about.... we could take three things with us and only three things.... let me tell you what i picked! HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I bet you can't wait!..... #1 a cow.... #2 a gun.... #3 a bull! HAHAHAH! I read other peoples blogs and they were like... i'd take my bible, a photograph of my family and money.... hahahahah! I mentioned that I was thinking about the future.. if i had to move to a country.. you'd have to make a living somehow.. therefore I'd raise cows and shoot a steer to eat! Food to eat and cowhide to keep me warm... haha. But then i re-read our assignment and it said 3 small things.... so i commented underneath it that i'd take money, a gun and SWEET TEA!!!! hahah these people prolly think i'm crazy.. but that's ok because i am. But really imagine that happened to you? You couldn't just take material things... they aren't going to get you by.... you have a picture to look at and a bible to read (ok i can understand a bible but i'm sure they give them away over there somewhere). but you have to think about life in the future... not memories of the past... Sure you'd miss your family, BUT if you beleive in God, you will see them again (woooooaaaahhhhh, this is not where it ends... i will carry you with me... woooaaaahhh til i see you again... hahaha) Ok so I have 8 minutes because drop dead diva is coming on... and I can sit in there and pretend to do homework but really be watching drop dead diva.... i stay up til about 2 am anyways so i can do it then... lol! I'm trying to do it but my hands wont stop typing!!!!!!!!!!! Ok someone wants koolaid and apparently I'm a maid... so I'll go now so i have time to make koolaid before drop dead diva! YAY! BYE!