don't read this or you may cry... it just so happened to do that to me!

Ok I'm selfish. You know why? Well I heard that my papaw (Dow) was really sick (like deathly)... and yea it makes me cry. I am selfish because I can't even imagine going and seeing him the way he is. I can still remember watching the video tape at christmas time when ma maw was alive and we were waiting for dow to bring in the presents and we were all chanting "papaw papaw papaw" such a sweet memory. I can't imagine distorting that image of him. It would make me sad to see him in the harvest house not being very healthy too. I am selfish because I know if i went over there to see him that I would just BAWL!!!! I'm crying just writing this..... I can't see what use it would be of me going to see him... because it would just be a pity party for myself. ok so i had to take a break. for some reason i have this thing that i can't let people see me cry... i started bawling so i had to go take a shower so no one would see me. that's another thing if i went over there i would be all baby.... but you know i'm sure there are a lot of people like this. Here's the deal... i havent even been that close to him in the past several years. i would hug him when i saw him and everything but i never went to see him. let me explain that part.... That house (i guess he still lives in the same house) reminds me of my mamaw. I think i was only like 5 or 6 or 4 i really dont even know, but i remember after she died we went over there and i got to pick out a stuffed animal of hers and i still have it. For some reason I got the ugliest one ever but yes i still have it! Just like everytime i get on an elevator.... i ALWAYS and i mean EVERY TIME, i think about mamaw... because i can just remember going to the hospital to see her and riding on the elevator and my little tummy tickled. I don't even remember going in the room to see her or anything like that... i ONLY remember the elevator. just like the house... i only remember christmastime and us chanting for papaw to bring the presents out and the time i got to go pick out an animal... There's one more thing i remember about that place... when my aunt anita lived there and I guess she was about to move or something my dad went over there and killed a dog for her that she couldn't take with her i guess... i remember anita just bawling.... and then i can remember him shooting it and then taking his hat off, pulling his pants down and putting his hat over his butt (this is something only MY DAD would do!!!!) hahahah! I haven't even been down that road since those times. I drove by it once and I'm like now i don't remember that road being like that.... anyways just some memories. OH how they make me cry... and I better stop or i'm gonna get caught! I know that he has kids and a wife that love him dearly and may not like what i'm saying.... surely they won't mind right? I do love him and I know they love him so much and are suffering dearly... bless their hearts. But those are my memories and I think I'll just stick with them.... I love you Dow David! Ok I posted but had to go back and add some...... Some people didn't even know I was "related" to dow... so let me explain how... and what it got me thinking.... My dad's mom was married to Dow before she died... so he was like my step-grandpa.... we called him papaw.. and my dad's mom we called mamaw... OK so when i was in the shower i was thinking... I am an ex-step-mom to two little boys... would I want them to come see me if i was dying?? hmmm makes ya think right? It's not about me... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh I HAVE TO STOP!!!!!!!! GOOD NIGHT!