confession......

Ok I must confess, I am the biggest baby ever!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! These past few days I have bawled so many times! It seems like everyone is dying! Although not very many are. I recently started following this page called Loving Londona and she was pregnant but the mom had stuff wrong with her and the baby had stuff wrong with it... not sure what, but they knew the baby would die when it was born, they wanted her to terminate the baby but she wouldn't, so she ended up having the baby, well she had the baby on Friday and we got to follow it... and she had a birthing plan.. since she knew the baby was going to die. You should like the page on facebook. its amazing! I have cried over that a thousand times. Everytime i look at the pics i just bawl. Then, another person from the community died, I didn't know him personally but i know the family. I cry everytime i think about it. Why did God take him? I know i know a reason for everything but sometimes its hard to grasp things like this. I couldn't imagine being the family. I feel like God is getting closer... and touching more and more lives. I have had this strong feeling in me lately. When I woke up this morning the first thing I did was go to G's room to make sure she was still breathing. and then I start thinking what would I do without her? Things can happen in an instant. You should cherish the time you have with the ones you have while you have them! I am starting to worry too much about my children and family. I don't want anything to happen to any of them.... of course no one does, but you know one day they will die...... how sad is that. Why do people die? Why do we have to be sad? This is sad. really! I just posted a video on someones wall and i was laying in bed when i did it... while i was listening to it i started bawling... so i had to get out of bed and i thought hmm  might as well write a blog while im at it to let everyone know IM A SISSY!!!! People think I'm all rough and tough... but guess what I'm not... IM A BABY!!!!!!!!! I cry over the littlest things. Oh I have to tell you something else...... the other night......... seriousness took over... right? so i've been saying i want another baby i need a baby......... but at the same time thinking... no no no no! Well the other night (I think he was teasing) but Dustin said something........ (pretty much that we were going to have a baby.....) ok i can't explain this in anymore detail.... (HAHAHAHHAHAHA) BUT I started to think oh my gosh what if i really did get pregnant??? AHHH ! Then i was thinking what if this happens what if this happens? Well then I realized ummmm yea i dont think i want another baby! For 1: I don't know what I'd do if G wasnt my baby! My heart hurts to think about her not being the baby... i dont know why thats weird. People say I could share the love with another one... but i dont think i can. G means so much to me, I don't know how I'd handle a baby and not give all my love to her.... weird eh? and For 2: You know what........ this may sound weird... BUT this world has became INSANE!!!! I don't want to think about having another baby in this world and growing up fearing all the things that could happen to it.... There's too much.... The two we have are enough.. It scares me to think about when they get older..... I want the kids to be just like I was as a teenager. I didn't do the bad stuff and I had no urge to even try it!!! I don't want to have to fear that things could happen to them. I dont want to have to worry about what could happen..... see this freaks me out. I want them to stay little forever and not have to face the challenges that will come.... When they grow up I want them to come see us just like we go see our parents... and when they're 30 and 27 I still want to hold them like babies!!!!!!! This is depressing!!!!!!!! why do they have to get big.... The past 3 or 4 nights at bedtime Ill carry G like a baby to bed and hold her like a baby while i read to her...... she's been so sick and tired lately that she will actually let me hold her this way.... and she loves it. Now she keeps saying hold me like a baby! hahahahah. I could hold her like that and stare at her all day. I'm so thankful for the babies that I have and I don't think I have enough heart for another one. I've gave my heart away to three other kids that arent biologically mine....... and 1 that is mine..... Therefore I really have 4 kids already although I never see 2 of them but they still have my heart. See there I go crying again! GEE!!!!! BLOG LOOK WHAT YOU DO TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fear them growing up to be like their d-a-d-d-y.................................. which is very scary. There needs to be ZERO more people like that in this world!!!!!! alright i won't start on that.... but one thing i urge to my child is lying is NOT OK!!!!!!! She knows that she will get beat for lying (not really beat but you know...) She WILL NOT i repeat WILL NOT turn out like that scumbag! I will beat it out of her if i have to! hahahahahah. alright anyways.... i have to pee and go to sleep now. i hope you enjoyed reading this and i hope it can sink in to some people. God is coming back some day.......so i hope you are saved..... You know what... even if I didn't beleive.... I would start beleiving just to see my loved ones again! You know something else.... this is weird... I had a dream about my uncle the other day.... (uncle Steve) It was so real... I thought he was here on earth with us,  when I woke up i cried but at the same time i was happy.... I'm so glad I got to see him again... if only in my dreams. There i go crying again....... That dream was like 2 weeks ago and it still feels real.... I was talking to him...... I miss him. You know what else my aunt showed me a picture of my mamaw the other day and she said I looked like her.... i wanted to cry but i didn't because i dont cry when people are around. But I wish I could find that group she was telling me about so I could see that again. I was young when my mamaw died but i remember her so well......... she was so beautiful! Just like Anita! Alright.... Stop Me STOP!!!! That's what the riley family reminds me of though, my uncle steve. Rob was the pastor at his funeral and he was at their house when i got there after he first died. He was so caring and loving for my family. Such a strong man and now he's going through losses hisself...... oh man I have to pee! Nighty night!